Annual Christmas Letters: Are you tired of them?

Have you ever gotten one of those photocopied annual Christmas Letters that just want to make you gag? You know the ones I'm talking about...they usually have the words "Harvard, Studying in Europe this year, and 'so-an-so' just got promoted to vice president" in them.

Well, here's my salute to them:

Merry Christmas everyone!

This is the time each year when our thoughts turn to love, shopping everlasting, family and friends. Thoughts of diets are postponed until later next week.

I've been remiss in keeping in touch with you, and everyone else for that matter. To make up for it, let me tell you about my exciting year! Hold on to your hats and try not to get jealous.

For starters this year has been one of many, many trips. There were too many in fact to keep track of. The constant traveling can do that. So allow me to just touch on a few marvelous and memorable highlights.

For instance, the was the whirlwind trip to the laundromat, the bank, the landlord, Gulf Power, WalMart, Publix, and the crowning destination, Dixie's Discount Liquors. Somehow, I found my way home with the aid of a very nice young deputy sheriff.

Although I'm not much for fancy howdy-dos, he insisted on introducing me to his fellow associates and gave me a place to stay for the night. They really do treat strangers well down South here. If you ever are lucky enough to meet Officer Billy Bob, do tell him I said hello.

But lest you think that was my only grand escapade, let me tell you about another unexpected extended trip I took. Once again, I was hitting the local happenings when lo and behold, my car wouldn't start. They just don't make 18-year old cars like they used to.

But I turned this minor setback into a win after all. Since I couldn't find the nice officer who was so kind to me before...and besides I'm not one to impose...I went off into the nearby woods and did all my drinking there.

Did you know, if you're in a dark wooded area that you can gain a perspective and make real scientific discoveries. For example, I learned that the earth spins like a top with the center of that top right there in the woods where I hadn't passed out yet.

One of my trips was a real trip. I landed on my ass. It's not all bad, though. It gave me time to think about my fall. Some people who have fallen will tell you that they fell down. Well, duh. Did they really think they were going to fall up!

I didn't need to go off into the woods to figure that one out either.

Anyway, I'd tell you more but my wanderlust is tugging at me again. I wonder if Dixie's is open on Christmas Eve? I sure hope Warden Bubba will let me step out for a minute, it bein' the season and all.

Love, light and laughs, and Ho, Ho, Ho! (No actual ho's were harmed in writing the last sentence.)

Kelley, aka prisoner #98346
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Kelley is the author of The Doctor Who Cures Cancer and It's Not Just For Sex, neither of which are spoofs. Your comments and commercial sig lines are welcome.

Bush surprises Compeon and Ramos with Christmas gift

Dateline Washington, D.C.- GW Bush has reached a compromise in regards to the two federal border agents who shot a major drug Mexican dealer in the ass and got sent to jail for their proficiency.

Instead of a full pardon, America's #1 Compassionate Conservative is sending them to Club Gitmo. Club Gitmo is favored by all criminals and terrorists due to the exclusive idyllic ocean views and breezes, along with the scrumptious catered meals provided by America's finest: the US Military.

"It's not exactly Crawford, Texas, but it's pretty good for not having any patchy grass to look at," Bush admitted.

Whether or not Campeon and Ramos will be allowed to be armed to shoot more illegals in the ass is still under negotiation.
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Brightwinger, aka William Kelley Eidem, is the author of The Doctor Who Cures Cancer and It's Not Just For Sex. Your comments and your commercial signature line links are welcome.

bush surprises Compeon and Ramos with Christmas gift

Dateline Washington, D.C.- GW Bush has reached a compromise in regards to the two federal border agents who shot a major drug Mexican dealer in the ass and got sent to jail for their proficiency.

Instead of a full pardon, America's #1 Compassionate Conservative is sending them to Club Gitmo. Club Gitmo is favored by all criminals and terrorists due to the exclusive idyllic ocean views and breezes, along with the scrumptious catered meals provided by America's finest: the US Military.

"It's not exactly Crawford, Texas, but it's pretty good for not having any patchy grass to look at," Bush admitted.

Whether or not Campeon and Ramos will be allowed to be armed to shoot more illegals in the ass is still under negotiation.
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Brightwinger, aka William Kelley Eidem, is the author of The Doctor Who Cures Cancer and It's Not Just For Sex. Your comments and your commercial signature line links are welcome.

A Red Ryder BB Gun and Fred Thompson

There are only two things I want for Christmas:
(1)an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!

And (2) Fred Thompson to come in first place in the Iowa Caucus (three days before Greek Orthodox Christmas...I had to tie Fred into the Christmas BB gun meme thingie somehow. ;-)!

In the movie "A Christmas Story," Ralphie was real clear about what he wanted for Christmas. He could see it, he could feel it, he could drool over it, despite every setback placed in front of him: "You could put your eye out!"

If we're going to put Fred in over the top, it's time we got real clear about what we want, too.

Fred is the "Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle with the compass in the stock." So the question is, how bad do we want our (F)red Ryder? Can you see it, feel it, and drool over it?

Does the thought of NOT getting our Official (F)red Ryder just make us sick? If Fred is going to Ryde, we've got to ride with him.

It's all a matter of the depth of our desire. And our intensity. It's time to let Fred ooze out our pores, just like Ralphie did over his Official (F)red Ryder.

Ralphie never would have gotten his rifle if he merely wanted it...he had to WANT IT!

Don't settle for a lousy football. It's official: Fred! Ride'er to Victory in the Iowa caucus this January 3rd, 2008.

Fred's team needs folks to call the voters of Iowa. They provide everything. The name. The number. The script. Do you want your Fred or not!

All it takes in many cases is for the person you call to hear from you...they respond by thinking "Gosh, I'm not the only one who is for Fred. Maybe he's got a chance after all. I'm going to caucus for him."

But if you don't call that person, they stay home or decide to caucus for someone they saw on TV or whatever. Your call makes all the difference...make the call.

Here's the link to start calling: http://www.fred08.com

Do you want Fred or not? Or do want to settle for a crummy football? It's your call.
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Brightwinger, aka William Kelley Eidem, is the author of The Doctor Who Cures Cancer and It's Not Just For Sex. Your comments and your commercial signature line links are welcome.

Fred Thompson: Type Cast

Let's admit it, Fred isn't a great actor... he has been type cast in every role he's played on the big and small screen. So what's his type? He's always the guy everyone looks up to. He's the Leader. The Boss. The Man. The President.

Yup, he's even played President of the US. President U. S. Grant if I'm not mistaken.

In Hollywood, the folks who cast movies have a large pool of actors to choose from. Getting roles is a hyper-competitive undertaking. So it says something when Fred keeps getting picked to be himself on screen time after time.

But he just can't help it. He has the "It Factor" working for him big time.

Being a leader seems to come to him naturally, whether it be telling an overbearing moderator to stuff it, or sinking an enemy ship.

I vaguely remember the first time I saw Fred Thompson on TV back in 1994 or thereabouts. The particulars escape me but what I still recall is thinking, "That guy ought to be president!"

That's how powerful his presidential aura is.

What makes all this doubly sweet is his willingness to kick ass and take names. Earlier this year, for instance, he wrote an essay pretty much telling Iran he'd kick theirs. Only, Fred doesn't write coarsely like I do. It was an elegant ass kicking as it were.

The guy is suave, sot of like an ugly James Bond. But with a law degree, and one tough district attorney willing to face off against a governor.

Make no mistake...between the lines, Fred sent a message: "Look, I've put an American Governor behind bars; I would certainly deal with nuclear-weapon-bearing psycho punks a little more harshly.

For the bonus round he's got a 100% prolife voting record, is strong against illegal immigration, strong on the war against terror, the Constitution, etc.

Endorse him? Heck, I love him! And you will, too. President Thompson: the Marlboro man GWB always wanted to be.

- William Kelley Eidem, aka, brightwinger
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William Kelley Eidem is the author of The Doctor Who Cures Cancer and It's Not Just For Sex. Your Fred lovefest comments are welcome.