Annual Christmas Letters: Are you tired of them?

Have you ever gotten one of those photocopied annual Christmas Letters that just want to make you gag? You know the ones I'm talking about...they usually have the words "Harvard, Studying in Europe this year, and 'so-an-so' just got promoted to vice president" in them.

Well, here's my salute to them:

Merry Christmas everyone!

This is the time each year when our thoughts turn to love, shopping everlasting, family and friends. Thoughts of diets are postponed until later next week.

I've been remiss in keeping in touch with you, and everyone else for that matter. To make up for it, let me tell you about my exciting year! Hold on to your hats and try not to get jealous.

For starters this year has been one of many, many trips. There were too many in fact to keep track of. The constant traveling can do that. So allow me to just touch on a few marvelous and memorable highlights.

For instance, the was the whirlwind trip to the laundromat, the bank, the landlord, Gulf Power, WalMart, Publix, and the crowning destination, Dixie's Discount Liquors. Somehow, I found my way home with the aid of a very nice young deputy sheriff.

Although I'm not much for fancy howdy-dos, he insisted on introducing me to his fellow associates and gave me a place to stay for the night. They really do treat strangers well down South here. If you ever are lucky enough to meet Officer Billy Bob, do tell him I said hello.

But lest you think that was my only grand escapade, let me tell you about another unexpected extended trip I took. Once again, I was hitting the local happenings when lo and behold, my car wouldn't start. They just don't make 18-year old cars like they used to.

But I turned this minor setback into a win after all. Since I couldn't find the nice officer who was so kind to me before...and besides I'm not one to impose...I went off into the nearby woods and did all my drinking there.

Did you know, if you're in a dark wooded area that you can gain a perspective and make real scientific discoveries. For example, I learned that the earth spins like a top with the center of that top right there in the woods where I hadn't passed out yet.

One of my trips was a real trip. I landed on my ass. It's not all bad, though. It gave me time to think about my fall. Some people who have fallen will tell you that they fell down. Well, duh. Did they really think they were going to fall up!

I didn't need to go off into the woods to figure that one out either.

Anyway, I'd tell you more but my wanderlust is tugging at me again. I wonder if Dixie's is open on Christmas Eve? I sure hope Warden Bubba will let me step out for a minute, it bein' the season and all.

Love, light and laughs, and Ho, Ho, Ho! (No actual ho's were harmed in writing the last sentence.)

Kelley, aka prisoner #98346
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Kelley is the author of The Doctor Who Cures Cancer and It's Not Just For Sex, neither of which are spoofs. Your comments and commercial sig lines are welcome.